The day after

Today is Tuesday and I am sitting here typing away at the computer as usual. Yesterday evening I had my ‘Procedure’. Under the influence of painkillers and a relaxant I was laid down on my left side, wearing nothing but a backless hospital gown and a pair of socks. It was not a pretty sight. Whilst thus arranged I had an endoscope pushed up my bottom. A smallish polyp was located and removed. Within half an hour I was sitting up drinking a cup of tea and munching on a plain cheese sandwich. Rarely can something as boring have tasted so good.

That was all the examination found. The polyp has been sent off for testing and I will be informed of the results, probably within two weeks. I am not too worried, as only one was found, and I am reasonably confident that it won’t prove to be a ‘nasty’.  They had a thorough look round, and I could see what was happening on a monitor by the bed, if only at an acute angle. Afterwards I was complimented on the cleanliness of my colon. After all that laxative and no food it should have been as clean as a proverbial whistle.

One part of the procedure might have been to blow air into the colon to open it up. This did not prove necessary. Not that I wanted this to happen, but because of a probable side effect I was a bit disappointed. How often do you have an opportunity of having the world’s largest fresh air fart?

Today I am not allowed to drive or operate machinery or to sign legal documents. I shall try to get over the disappointment. As it stands, I don’t feel too dull-witted, hardly more than usual. Thanks to all the staff at Hereford Hospital for making it a genuinely painless visit, and for that cheese sandwich.

Sorry about this!

It happened like this. About two weeks ago I went to the doctor having had persistent digestive problems. At least I had problems, but these stopped when I ceased to use wheat products. I was expecting a few tests to confirm or reject my hypothesis, but was sent to the local hospital instead for an inspection of the inside of my fundamental orifice. That happened almost a week ago and I was phoned by someone at the hospital as the registrar who had examined me thought he saw a polyp in my colon. Still no sign of an allergy test.

On Friday I picked up some extra-strength laxative to take before today’s examination. I had the first dose last night, and the second from early this morning.  I have had a few upsets in my life which made me feel that the bottom had dropped out of my world. I now know what it is like to have the world drop out of your bottom. No food until after the procedure this evening. I last ate before 1 pm yesterday. I will be given some kind of painkiller and will be collected by my very understanding wife sometime tonight, after the probing and possible polypectomy. A miniature camera is to be sent up my chocolate starfish.

Sorry for the break, I just had another dash to the water closet because of the effect of the bowel cleanser. Looking at the ingredients on the box the main constituent is a chemical related to car anti-freeze. There are two powders, the large one with the anti-freeze and another, much smaller one, being aspartame (sweetener) and ascorbic acid (vitamin C to you). Mix the powders together, make up to 1 litre with cold water and mix thoroughly for a few minutes. You then drink the litre of gunk within an hour. The effect begins rather more quickly than that. Finishing the last glassful is a bit like that scene in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince where Harry force feeds Dumbledore with a poisoned drink. You know what it is going to do, but you still have to force it down.

On the plus side I am losing weight and have got by running shoes out. I can now do ten yards in two seconds (Including removing my pants and doing a half turn). Oddly enough I do not feel particularly hungry. At last, an effective appetite suppressant. It’s a shame about the side effects.

I am not supposed to drive tomorrow, but have to accompany significant other half, Hazel, to the hospital on Wednesday. What that is about will be another entry or ten. It is going to be an interesting week. Apologies for the excessive detail.