Ho, hum, another Tory Party* conference.
Our blessed Chancellor of the Exchequer made a speech to the conference. I have imagined what he really meant if in a private conversation, strictly off the record of course. This bears no resemblance to his actual opinions and policies, of course. The fact that he’s an Old Etonian, ex Bullingham Club and rich posho has nothing to do with it (probably).
JW: So, Mr Osbourne, just between us, what is your policy on unemployment and benefits, strictly off the record of course.
Osbourne: We have spent the last three and a half years frigging the figures to take out numbers from the registered unemployed. We have systematically disenfranchised millions of people from their right to benefits. Let’s be bulls-pizzle honest about this, there are no new jobs except zero hours contracts, endless internships and Mac Jobs. This is despite us never prosecuting for failure to comply with the Minimum Wage laws. We have cut benefits or set them below the level of inflation, yet the unemployment figures remain stubbornly high. Something must be done about this.
JW: So, what are you going to do about it?
Osbourne: As no-one is entitled to something for nothing we are determined on a new policy for a new age. The long term unemployed will be put to work. To ensure that this work is carried out with the proper degree of supervision we are creating a new type of manufacturing facility, which are to be known as Workhouses. The claimants, those feckless and often immoral leeches will be housed in the most basic accommodation. Men will be separated from women. They shall be put to work for twelve hours a day unpicking old rope and converting it to that most useful of products, Oakum. They shall receive two meals a day of thin gruel, just enough to keep body and soul together. Their moral welfare will be undertaken by violent hell-fire preachers. They shall be dressed in the coarsest of old clothes, marked with a ‘S’ for Sponger on the front and back. Family visits will be no more than ten minutes per month. They shall stay until they have paid back all the benefit they have claimed, which will at the rates set will take something over fifty years.
JW: Isn’t that a rather brave policy?
Osbourne: I prefer to call it a radical new policy for a new world. After all, we can’t have these spongers being a drain on the economy.
JW: But won’t you be voted out at the next election?
Osbourne: They are more concerned with the ‘X’ Factor and Big Brother than politics. Most people won’t notice. In fact we’ll make it so boring that the majority won’t even bother to vote. When we get back in properly we intend to have a property qualification for all voters. This will mean that only the rich and those of good family will be able to vote. This is the Conservative way.
JW: Thank you, Mr Osbourne.
Osbourne: Call me Squire, and tug your forelock, you damned impertinent peasant.
* Tories are the Conservative Party. The name comes from a gang of 18c Irish Highwaymen, rather appropriate for the robbery which is taking place
chelonist 